Yesterday was deadline to complete the U.K. decennial census. Among the several questions on who lived at your address and who was eligible to vote, etc. this census also asked about job status, type of profession, skill level and other questions on employment. These were straight-forward to answer but, in my case, the response I gave did not qualify as a proper answer and I had to explain my response.

In response to the question of employment I wrote that I had retired from a career of political proctology. As a consultant to several governments, international and national political parties, politicians, corporate officials, generals, and intelligence professionals over the years I felt that description best represented my career and skill set.

Over the years I have met with and advised a rum sort of these luminaries who, almost to a man (or woman), rejected my information and advice. Perhaps, because of their elevated status, they felt that hearing the truth was less satisfactory than hearing praise of their sagacity and wit in avoiding the truth. At one time I was known as “the Cassandra of Enron”, “Labour’s Sixth Column” and the “Precursor of Doom”. There have been several close African political friends who begged me not to visit their country. My mortal sin was that I told them the truth (as I knew it).

Fortunately, over the years I have never had any political, economic, or social power nor have I been surrounded by smegmatic assistants pushing their own agendas. I have run successful shipping and airline companies which paid my bills, so I wasn’t dependent on my political clients for sustenance. That gave me the luxury of truth-telling and honesty with those for whom I consulted. My only regret was that, unlike a real proctologist, I could not deal with one asshole at a time and had to deal with them in batches. I changed my census profession to “consultant”. That was sufficient.