Light Side
Army strategists much better at planning fantasy wars instead of war in Afghanistan
By Dirk Diggler, Duffel, 4/5/19
May 5, 2019 - 9:03:54 AM

Sources suggest the current crop of Army Strategists are experts at the strategic implications of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Game of Thrones, despite being wholly unable to comprise a coherent plan to stabilize Afghanistan at any point during the last 18 years.

This fact was brought to light by Gen. Austin “Scott” Miller, the commander of US forces in Afghanistan, who was a guest speaker at the Army Worldwide Planners Seminar earlier this month in Washington, DC.

“Look, I don’t care how many essays, books, and blog articles you all have written over the years about the strategic implications of The Last Starfighter or whatever the fuck. You’ve had 18 years to defeat an insurgency in the poorest and most sparsely-populated area on the planet and we’ve actually gone backwards!”

Gen. Miller then punched one strategist in the throat after he tried to explain that Afghanistan’s rampant corruption made it a “hive of scum and villainy” not unlike the Mos Eisley spaceport in Star Wars.

“I know you fanboys all circle-jerked over that article about the use of fire-breathing dragon airpower during the Battle of Winterfell which was posted literally 20 minutes after the episode was over. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to use one of our precious three dragons – which cost about two hundred million Gold Dragons by the way – to destroy a $500 drug lab.”

Miller then alluded to the failure of science-fiction strategy to bolster the ranks of the US Army as it grew from 490,000 soldiers to 570,000 over the span of just a few years.

“And I admit, I actually went along with the idea to increase the size of the Army by 80,000 troops in the span of a few years by growing a clone army, like one of you wrote in a blog post 10 years ago. That was before you guys decided to cut corners and grew a bunch of clones who needed felony waivers and couldn’t pass their damn PT test.”

“And for the love of God, what genius thought it was a good idea to equip the Afghans with our aging, surplus Y-Wings – which you all seem to be obsessed with for some fucking reason – even though they didn’t have the ability to fly them, maintain them, or even the basic literacy to read the fucking manuals?”

“Did you ever see an Ewok fly a Y-Wing? And no, the Expanded Universe doesn’t count.”

At press time, Gen. Miller had stormed off the stage before the next presentation, “Pikachu vs. Squirtle: What Electric Pokemon and Water Pokemon Can Teach Us About Asymmetric Warfare.”