Light Side
Benedict Arnold Wishes He Had Had Special Master
By Andy Borowitz, New Yorker, September 13, 2022
Sep 14, 2022 - 11:30:40 AM

Undated sketch portrait of Gen. Benedict Arnold
                by unknown artist.

Illustration from Library of Congress / AP

HELL —In a rare public statement, the late Benedict Arnold said that he would never have been remembered as the worst traitor in American history if he had had the benefit of a special master.

The disgraced military officer called his switching sides in the Revolutionary War “the kind of evidence that any special master worth his salt would have ruled out.”“I think a special master would have taken a look at that and said, ‘Hold on, here—switching sides is a personal decision, so that’s privileged,’ ” he said. “That would have been a game changer for me.”

“I would have gone from ‘Benedict Arnold, notorious traitor,’ to ‘Benedict Arnold, victim of government witch hunt,’ ” he said.

Arnold added that, over the past few centuries in Hell, he has had ample time to ruminate about another event that occurred before he switched sides: his 1779 court-martial. “That would have played out differently if I had gotten to appoint the judge,” he said.


Source: Ocnus.net 2022