Ocnus.Net
News Before It's News
About us | Ocnus? |

Front Page 
 
 Africa
 
 Analyses
 
 Business
 
 Dark Side
 
 Defence & Arms
 
 Dysfunctions
 
 Editorial
 
 International
 
 Labour
 
 Light Side
 
 Research
Search

Light Side Last Updated: Sep 24, 2018 - 11:51:21 AM


Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
By Boaz Bulbulovitz, Middle East Beast 20/9/18
Sep 23, 2018 - 9:47:28 AM

Email this article
 Printer friendly page

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife.

“He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro.

According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her Damascus-born Sephardic father – the martyred jihadi “feels tricked and humiliated, and is demanding Allah resurrect him.” To make matters worse, “there are no STD clinics in Islamic heaven, meaning he may be condemned to eternal pissfire.”

Following extensive news coverage of Zarif’s purported predicament, an ISIS-affiliated Twitter account accused Shapiro of fabricating the story: “Steadfast warriors of Islam, do not believe this lying Zionist sorceress – she’s only trying to sow doubt in the hearts of brave future shaheeds [martyrs].”

In response, Shapiro told the Mideast Beast: “Honestly, why would I make this up? You think I like been woken up every night by a crybaby jihadi ghost ranting about his oozing penile sores? Enough already!”


Source:Ocnus.net 2018

Top of Page

Light Side
Latest Headlines
Confusion as Swiss air force flies over the wrong festival
Trump Honors Brave Heroes Who Slept With Wives Of Deployed Soldiers
President Trump’s Revolutionary War quiz
China’s Tibet Problem: The Contentious History
Could the US ‘economic plan’ for Middle East peace work?
'Candy bomber' joins tens of thousands on base for 70th anniversary of Berlin Airlift’s end
‘The Sopranos’ Is the Id of New Jersey
Michael Cohen Is ‘One Of The Most Popular Guys In Prison’
Joke movement gains million crowns in European elections
Pelosi Takes Advantage of Trump’s Storming Out of Oval Office to Hide Nuclear Codes