- Federal payments for health care (Medicare, Medicaid) will be limited to treatments available when the constitution was written. Government funding will be limited to blood letting and trepanning. States are free to write their own rules regarding leaches. Anesthesia is now outlawed as witchcraft.
- Schools that receive government subsidies are prohibited from teaching any fact that contradicts religious beliefs establishing severe penalties for instruction that the earth is a sphere, or that the earth is older than 6,000 years. Chemistry class will be limited to discussions of “phlogiston.”
- Mental Illness determined to be caused by evil sprits, federal funds for Mental Health care are limited to treatments dating back to the founding of the Republic. Federal mental health funds may only be used to pay for exorcism.
- The Pope has been found to have veto power over proposed legislation, except in cases where there is a disagreement between American Cardinals and the Pope. In those cases, the dispute must be settled by Rupert Murdoch.
- Freedom of the press is limited to use of a Gutenberg press to imprint berry juice and carbon onto parchment. Any ideas discussed in the printed matter must conform to rules established by the Heritage Foundation.
- Any woman who appears in public wearing trousers will be pressed under heavy stones until death. Women who attempt to cast votes in an election shall be confined to a mental health facility for being “hysterical.”
Two and a half centuries of discovery and progress have obviously lead some Americans to believe that they have some say in their governance. They do, of course, provided they a white male landowners. The authors of our constitution were divinely inspired, and so we have no rights that people in 1783 would not recognize or understand. Those who disagree are within their rights to petition the government, but selecting that government in the first place is none of their business.
