Light Side
US Cancels South Canada Invasion After Learning the Troops “Can’t Get There From Here”
By The Winooski, April 11, 2019
Apr 14, 2019 - 9:23:03 AM

SOUTH CANADA – Many Vermonters were surprised to see an unusually large number of military vehicles roaming the state last weekend. Although the operation was classified, President Trump was meeting with top advisers at the Checkers on Bladensburg Road and let slip that troops were slated to invade the tiny nation of South Canada.

South Canada was formerly part of the United States as the town of Richford, VT until it seceded in 2017 to form an independent country. Relations between the two nations have always been somewhat tense, although no formal sanctions or war declarations had been made. President Trump allegedly declared war via secret executive order, which is a new power he has recently given himself.

The invasion stalled out after US troops were unable to get to South Canada using existing infrastructure. Top brass asked for directions around the National Guard base in Vergennes, but were repeatedly told by locals, “You can’t get there from here.”

“It was maddening,” said Army General David Struction. “Everywhere we went, we were given different directions, and whenever I asked for a distance I was given a time. I couldn’t tell if the locals were doing this on purpose to obstruct us, of if we just had a language barrier, but it became clear that we were losing the element of surprise and I made the call after two days of no progress to stop the invasion.”

“Well, I don’t rightly know why those army folks couldn’t find it,” said Vergennes local Haywood Seed. “They asked how far it was, and I told ’em, ’bout an hour and a half, more or less, but you can’t really get there from here. But I’d head up to Burlington and take the highway to 105, and then go from there.”

Other residents gave similar stories, insisting they were trying to be helpful. “I was very polite to those men,” said a woman who declined to give her name. “I told you can’t really get there from here, but at that time of day you’d want to avoid Burlington. I sent ’em up through Hinesburg and told ’em to take 15 for a ways, but then be sure to cut up 108, and the distance? I’d say just under two hours.”

“Oh, I told ’em Hinesburg,” chimed in a man who had been eavesdropping on our reporter. “But I figured they’d like to get a look at Ithiel Falls and Long Trail, so I sent ’em over on 100 and up 118. ‘Bout two hours and a quarter I guess. But it’s worth it for the views, ‘specially for out-o’-staters. They didn’t seem at all grateful for the tips though. But I warned ’em. I said you can’t really get there from here. Maybe they should do the state a favor and just invade Burlington. It’s much closer.”

South Canada has not released an official statement regarding the cancelled invasion.