Light Side
Words of Wisdom
By
Jul 9, 2008 - 8:41:04 AM

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
 

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

Source: Ocnus.net 2008